Hi!

It's been ages since I've posted anything.

What a whirlwind 2009 was. Holy crap is all I've got to say.. and I mean that. It was holy and crappy.

2010 has been also really difficult.

To sum up the past year or so...
2009
Was really busy, overworked, overstressed.
Needed minor surgery, stressed, anxious, nerves, depression.
Had minor surgery, needed major surgery.
Had a nervous breakdown. Held on to God for dear life.
Had major surgery. My tummy hurt.
Had six weeks off. Wilco shows, the beach.
Felt better. Still nervous, still sad, still scared.
Fell in love.
Heartbreak.
Dog put to sleep. Heartbreak.
Got some help after hitting bottom.
Went to California.

2010
Car got repossessed. God provided another car.
Fell in love again.
Heartbreak again. Door is closed.
Weight gain.
In prayer a lot. In scripture a lot.
Paying off debt like a mother.
Broke.. at peace... okay with my baggage.. okay with my brokenness.
Out of confusion of heartbreak/relationship.

Right now I'm listening to my brother's band Wilco. So are you if you're reading this.

do the right thing.. sucka.

I came to a point last week where I needed to make a decision. A decision that I've been running from for a LONG freakin time.

I won't really go in to the specifics of what happened.. I just stopped running and decided to sit. I have acknowledged something that was in need in my life (insert your own burden here) and have started a journey towards being way more honest about where I'm at.

I'm at peace with life. At peace with God. At peace with myself (well, getting there).

I'm taking life easy. Going to work. Coming home. Taking care of my life and myself and not overdoing it. Going to church. Going to small group. Maintaining friendships and letting others help me. It's really neat to watch life happen while not feeling like I need to control it.

Freedom.

No really, I've got it.

One lesson I've learned this year is that I don't. One way that God has moved in my life this year is through others. I thought that I could keep them at a safe distance.. that their 'help' really wouldn't make much of a difference because they couldn't possibly know or understand the deep and broken stuff and I'd most likely just be more of a burden or an annoyance than anything else.

Ha. For years I have been so busy running.. running from opening up.. running from my fear of this kind of intimacy.. from being exposed for who I really am. Yikes. It feels like a roller coaster ride.. or free fall.. bungee jumping with no guarantee that the ropes will hold. I didn't think this kind of exposure was supposed to happen. I thought I could keep everything tight lipped, I thought I would just continue helping others.. and keep so busy so I wouldn't 'need' to receive from anyone.

Apparently God had other plans.

Self-sufficiency. I'm a modern woman. I 'should' be able to handle all of this. I 'should' be able to do all of this on my own and if I can't then I'll just pray.. when yes, that has been the first thing to do.. but then there's community. Not having to go it alone. Not having to rely on anyone else. Having people there to go through things with me.. alongside me.. helping carry my weight as I go. Not just in time of crisis.. but regularly. This is humbling. Almost embarrassing.

I didn't realize how much grace people have been extending. I don't want to think about if I'm 'that' person in their lives that feel more like a pebble in their shoe.. or if I'm 'stretching' them in their walk. If that has happened.. I'm unaware (which is fine with me).. however, this has given me the awareness of needing to extend grace to others. I think this is really cool.

2009 has been a year of happy hellos and sorrowful goodbyes. Grief and joy. Relief and release. Pain and resolve. Music and laughter. Despair and hope.

One more thing I've learned this year is acceptance. Accepting myself. Having grace on myself. Someone very dear taught me this. I'm truly grateful.

I am.

I am responsible for me, for my life that God has given me, for maintaining my relationship with God first and foremost. I know Christ's love so much more and so much deeper in this season than ever before. It's not a mean love. It's not a bully waiting around the corner in the schoolyard waiting to pound you love. It's a love that has drawn me closer. Closer still through my mistakes, my errors, my anxieties, my fears. It's a love that moves so much stronger than any of these things. It really isn't about rules, or religion, or the regulations that were consistently raked through my brain because of legalism. I've NEVER been moved to obey out of LOVE. I've only been moved to obey out of total fear. This caused such grief in me when I realized this. That I've been living in fear of doing the wrong thing for all the wrong reasons. And not to please my God, who I'm still learning is not a mean and distant father. He is good, He is kind and He LOVES me just as I am.

Because of this distorted view of God, I have been so afraid to open up and receive His love. I never knew that He could love me through my sin, and even use my sin and mess to show me how much He just can't get enough of me. Do you have any idea of what this is like? Anyone? This is new to me.

Since I moved out of my cavern of religion/fear I have moved into life. Which consists of messing up a lot, leaning on a God that I'm not so terrified of anymore and continuing to pray to Him without trembling and shaking and fearing that He's going to totally wreck me.

I've been through so much this year, this decade.. it's profound to feel human again. To feel relatively safe... out of crisis mode and in a more trusting mode. His name is Jesus. His name is glorious.

Another thing that has been really cool, is that I've learned to not lean so much on others all the time. I've got a new confidence that I can figure stuff out on my own, and not need to be told what to do.. and know that God will give me the answers I need for that particular moment. Which He has been doing, which totally rocks.

I still don't know a thing. Which pisses me off because I've been totally under the impression that I know everything and that I've got everything under control. Whoops. My bad.

Eleven days left.

I have to say, I believe this six week sabbatical was most certainly on God's calendar.. before time even began. Can you imagine? That God knew.. before the planets and stars were made, that me.. little old me.. would need six weeks off from work.. for more reasons that just for surgery? I believe it. Do you believe He does these things for you?

The reasons I believe it, is because had I not had this time off to putter around, do laundry, run lazy errands, make soup, take a shower when I feel like it, to see friends in the early afternoon.. I would have worked myself into an absolute nervous breakdown.

Though, I still believe I had a moderate breakdown in the spring.. I kept holding on to the six weeks I knew was coming up.

I'd forgotten about how one's job should not overtake you. I'd forgotten about grace. I'd forgotten about leisurely driving to the beach.. listening to old standards, watching independent films, cooking, baking.. LIVING. I became all too consumed in WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING.. that there was little time left for anything else. And if I did have a free afternoon, I was too overwrought with guilt for NOT being busy doing something.. that I couldn't sit still.

I lived comparatively, you see. I watched others living their lives, seeing how they operated.. and tried to do what they did. Friends who had full time jobs, numerous kids, spouses, chores at home.. who maybe had five minutes to themselves in a day.. and I figured.. I've got all this free time because I'm single, I ought to at least do as much as them.. if not more. I tried to force myself into a mold that I don't believe God ever intended for me to fit into. I had refused my mold, as if it wasn't good enough, that my leisurely Saturday afternoons should have tons of activities because everyone ELSE was busy doing their thing, with their families.. and that those afternoons are just fine.. as they are.

But that's not me.. nor has it ever been. I've never been a task-master, chore-tackler, worker-bee, list-maker, organizer etc.. It's just not how I'm wired. I tend to do laundry when I feel like it, and when I do wash clothes.. I take joy in it. I do dishes when I feel like, and when I do wash them.. I put some music on, light candles.. make a cup of tea.. and also take joy in it. I refuse to perform a chore when it's not in my heart.. because doing something that's joyless, seems utterly horrible. I'd rather my house fall apart and look a mess than constantly wrestle with a mountain that will never be tamed anyway.

I suppose some of my friends with kids don't have this choice, and if you don't have the choice.. (I hope, that if you presently don't.. that you would find a way to take joy in your daily routines, that you would make a thing of it and spoil yourself a little by rewarding yourself after you have completed a task....) But I on the other hand, do have this choice. It's not that I'm lazy, but if there's no meaning to it, if I can't make an artform of washing dishes, dusting, mopping.. I'd rather just leave it for another day.

Joyless tasks can suck the life out of you. There is a way to add joy to your day. I'm so grateful that I've been given this space and time to 'Return to my Home', which is a phrase I remember the Lord put on my heart back in June.. to return to my first love, and this is my first passion... MY HOME.

Well..

I haven't posted anything lately because I haven't had anything exciting or totally spectacularly amazing to write about. Though, there's always the day to day. Which is okay too.

I like okay.

I've been home for a week and a half. At first it was really hard, I felt really down and heavy hearted. I started to journal. I started to write about what was making me sad, what was really going on inside. And it was freeing to vent, to vent to myself, to God.. just to let it out.

Sometimes it's terrifying to admit where your heart is. Because you perhaps don't want to offend God, or it's 'not the right attitude'.. but I've found the more I level with God, the more honest I am.. regardless if it's a bratty tantrum, or a refusal to unfold my arms and ask Him to forgive me even though I just can't let go. It's pretty cool, because I think He's pretty cool. I find He's way more mellow and cool than I am in all my anxiety and stress. He's a constant, while I am utterly inconsistent.

This past season.. well, all of 2009 thus far has been an incredibly difficult, scary, dark, sad time. I clung to what I know is the best thing to hold on to. I was vigilant to do everything any anything I could to hear from God. I prayed, I read, I listened, I worshipped.. and I didn't really ever hear anything. But what I did perceive was His movement. Answered prayer after answered prayer.. many of them answered in the physical. It was day to day.. sometimes hour to hour.

This week has been relatively light and easy. I haven't felt so utterly despondent and worried. I've felt okay for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing right. I don't feel super great. I feel, just okay. This is so wonderful to feel just okay. I feel like this is how the other half live. It's incredible to be able to drive to the beach and not feel this incredible deep ache for something, for anything. Maybe it's because I prayed hard the other day and cried out to the Lord and said 'Can it just be easy for a little while?' and 'I'm so unhappy'.

I feel like I've been given the thumbs up to just live. And not in the trenches of war, but to actually operate in life on a normal healthy basis. People can say there's no such thing as 'normal', but I think there is my 'normal'. And I feel like I'm coming back to it every day.

Operating in crisis mode for 6 months straight wore me down to nothing. He's building me back up. It's awesome.

Yay for normal!!

Go.

Had a very good and motivating conversation with a friend on the beach today.  

"Move out of the shell, free yourself from the safety of coddling arms, you are equipped to do this, you can do this."

I have been thinking a lot about this.  A lot about my place in life..  same house, same job, same church for a while now..  settling in..  thinking..  this is it.   Wait, this is it?  If this is it, then I hate this.  Who said I had to stay here?  Who told me that if I am settling in like a barnacle on a rock that this is what life is all about?  And why have I listened?  Are they barnacles that just want company?  Wherever I got this idea from..  I know it wasn't from God, I have heard grains of truth today that made me feel really uncomfortable and yet excited...  

I have put many elaborate and embroidered limitations on this God I choose to follow..  or this God who has chosen to pursue me and call me His own.  He's so sweet like that.  

I have all of these ideas and dreams that just remain vaulted in the sky..  and I haven't moved out in faith towards any of them.  This has surely limited God, this has surely limited me.

Well, I've got some time left, a really sweet tan..  and many ideas to put down on paper.. and then move on them and will seek His guidance throughout..  I told the Lord today.. "Well, okay. Push my boat off shore, you've given me everything I need to sail."