Well..

I haven't posted anything lately because I haven't had anything exciting or totally spectacularly amazing to write about. Though, there's always the day to day. Which is okay too.

I like okay.

I've been home for a week and a half. At first it was really hard, I felt really down and heavy hearted. I started to journal. I started to write about what was making me sad, what was really going on inside. And it was freeing to vent, to vent to myself, to God.. just to let it out.

Sometimes it's terrifying to admit where your heart is. Because you perhaps don't want to offend God, or it's 'not the right attitude'.. but I've found the more I level with God, the more honest I am.. regardless if it's a bratty tantrum, or a refusal to unfold my arms and ask Him to forgive me even though I just can't let go. It's pretty cool, because I think He's pretty cool. I find He's way more mellow and cool than I am in all my anxiety and stress. He's a constant, while I am utterly inconsistent.

This past season.. well, all of 2009 thus far has been an incredibly difficult, scary, dark, sad time. I clung to what I know is the best thing to hold on to. I was vigilant to do everything any anything I could to hear from God. I prayed, I read, I listened, I worshipped.. and I didn't really ever hear anything. But what I did perceive was His movement. Answered prayer after answered prayer.. many of them answered in the physical. It was day to day.. sometimes hour to hour.

This week has been relatively light and easy. I haven't felt so utterly despondent and worried. I've felt okay for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing right. I don't feel super great. I feel, just okay. This is so wonderful to feel just okay. I feel like this is how the other half live. It's incredible to be able to drive to the beach and not feel this incredible deep ache for something, for anything. Maybe it's because I prayed hard the other day and cried out to the Lord and said 'Can it just be easy for a little while?' and 'I'm so unhappy'.

I feel like I've been given the thumbs up to just live. And not in the trenches of war, but to actually operate in life on a normal healthy basis. People can say there's no such thing as 'normal', but I think there is my 'normal'. And I feel like I'm coming back to it every day.

Operating in crisis mode for 6 months straight wore me down to nothing. He's building me back up. It's awesome.

Yay for normal!!