do the right thing.. sucka.

I came to a point last week where I needed to make a decision. A decision that I've been running from for a LONG freakin time.

I won't really go in to the specifics of what happened.. I just stopped running and decided to sit. I have acknowledged something that was in need in my life (insert your own burden here) and have started a journey towards being way more honest about where I'm at.

I'm at peace with life. At peace with God. At peace with myself (well, getting there).

I'm taking life easy. Going to work. Coming home. Taking care of my life and myself and not overdoing it. Going to church. Going to small group. Maintaining friendships and letting others help me. It's really neat to watch life happen while not feeling like I need to control it.

Freedom.

No really, I've got it.

One lesson I've learned this year is that I don't. One way that God has moved in my life this year is through others. I thought that I could keep them at a safe distance.. that their 'help' really wouldn't make much of a difference because they couldn't possibly know or understand the deep and broken stuff and I'd most likely just be more of a burden or an annoyance than anything else.

Ha. For years I have been so busy running.. running from opening up.. running from my fear of this kind of intimacy.. from being exposed for who I really am. Yikes. It feels like a roller coaster ride.. or free fall.. bungee jumping with no guarantee that the ropes will hold. I didn't think this kind of exposure was supposed to happen. I thought I could keep everything tight lipped, I thought I would just continue helping others.. and keep so busy so I wouldn't 'need' to receive from anyone.

Apparently God had other plans.

Self-sufficiency. I'm a modern woman. I 'should' be able to handle all of this. I 'should' be able to do all of this on my own and if I can't then I'll just pray.. when yes, that has been the first thing to do.. but then there's community. Not having to go it alone. Not having to rely on anyone else. Having people there to go through things with me.. alongside me.. helping carry my weight as I go. Not just in time of crisis.. but regularly. This is humbling. Almost embarrassing.

I didn't realize how much grace people have been extending. I don't want to think about if I'm 'that' person in their lives that feel more like a pebble in their shoe.. or if I'm 'stretching' them in their walk. If that has happened.. I'm unaware (which is fine with me).. however, this has given me the awareness of needing to extend grace to others. I think this is really cool.

2009 has been a year of happy hellos and sorrowful goodbyes. Grief and joy. Relief and release. Pain and resolve. Music and laughter. Despair and hope.

One more thing I've learned this year is acceptance. Accepting myself. Having grace on myself. Someone very dear taught me this. I'm truly grateful.