Website

I found this website through browsing.  It has provided so much help and direction for me in my spiritual walk.  It has so many topics.  I haven't read anything so far that leaves a check in my spirit.  

Check it out.  Whenever I'm home and feeling discouraged and need to find some truth.. this guy writes so eloquently and intelligently.  

http://net-burst.net/search.htm

Have at it.  I hope it helps you.

Psalm 4:1

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress:
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the psalms, trying to figure them out. Putting unnecessary pressure on myself to 'get it'. And honestly, for the most part... I just don't. But I'm pretty sure God's okay with that. I have been trying to tackle, charge, force, sprint my relationship with the Lord and His word. And the more noise I make, and the more stress I put on myself, the less I hear from Him.

I've been working myself up into a religious frenzy to the point where I am exhausted, tense, anxious..etc. None of this makes sense. This doesn't resemble the fruits of the spirit.. gentle, kind, willingness to yield etc.. How I think the more I work, the more I try that God is going to break through the paper barrier at my football game and score a touchdown.

I think He's a lot cooler and more mellow than this. I don't give His grace any room, mostly because I refuse to receive that grace because I'm just too darn messed up and gross to think that any of it should come my way.

This goes against the gospel of grace. I need to relearn this just about once a year. To relax. To let grace do it's supernatural job in me and wait for the Lord to lead in this relationship. Then there's trust. That's for another day.

give it up

So, I was sitting at work today and I was thinking..  something that I do quite incessantly and a little too much of for my own health...  so I was thinking, I'm sick of myself.  Meaning, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I'm tired of feeling so 'woe is me' and 'everything is so hard all the time'... because really, life is going to happen..  and it's up to me if I'm going to have the right attitude or the wrong attitude...  I am determined to have the right attitude.  

I prayed to the Lord today as I looked up at the drop ceiling at my job and said 'I don't want to feel like this anymore'..  

I've grown sick of everything.  That certainly can't mean that everything in my life has gone 'bad' or that it's all pretty lame.  No, that must mean that my heart has changed.  My heart has grown bitter and cold.  And I'm just plain tired of it.  I told the Lord, make me of use to you and to others.  Help me to forget about myself.  

Surgery outcome and prognosis will be its own according to trust in God and prayers from myself, friends and family.  So if it's going to be what it's going to be, then don't I have a choice in how I choose to proceed with my attitude? 

I think my attitude has been pretty crappy lately.  I am tired of feeling this way.  It's poisonous and I want out..  and that way, is Jesus and His help.

I read in Psalm 3 today where David's enemies claimed that there is no help for him in God.  I can say the same thing about the lies the enemy has whispered in my ear, that God can't help me..  that no one can help me.  I started to believe those lies and fell headlong into despair and darkness.

I think that's all changing.  I am crying out to Jesus, however little amount of faith I have.  I am asking Him for His help, His mercy and His heart in mine.  

The more time we spend with Him, the more time we look at Him and others..  This I believe.

Today 5/28/09

I went to the doctor's today. Just got a little overview about what the next few months of surgery and recoup will look like.

I'm stressed and a bit worried. Trying to figure out how to lean on Jesus and keep pressing on.

Life can just be downright tough sometimes.