I am.

I am responsible for me, for my life that God has given me, for maintaining my relationship with God first and foremost. I know Christ's love so much more and so much deeper in this season than ever before. It's not a mean love. It's not a bully waiting around the corner in the schoolyard waiting to pound you love. It's a love that has drawn me closer. Closer still through my mistakes, my errors, my anxieties, my fears. It's a love that moves so much stronger than any of these things. It really isn't about rules, or religion, or the regulations that were consistently raked through my brain because of legalism. I've NEVER been moved to obey out of LOVE. I've only been moved to obey out of total fear. This caused such grief in me when I realized this. That I've been living in fear of doing the wrong thing for all the wrong reasons. And not to please my God, who I'm still learning is not a mean and distant father. He is good, He is kind and He LOVES me just as I am.

Because of this distorted view of God, I have been so afraid to open up and receive His love. I never knew that He could love me through my sin, and even use my sin and mess to show me how much He just can't get enough of me. Do you have any idea of what this is like? Anyone? This is new to me.

Since I moved out of my cavern of religion/fear I have moved into life. Which consists of messing up a lot, leaning on a God that I'm not so terrified of anymore and continuing to pray to Him without trembling and shaking and fearing that He's going to totally wreck me.

I've been through so much this year, this decade.. it's profound to feel human again. To feel relatively safe... out of crisis mode and in a more trusting mode. His name is Jesus. His name is glorious.

Another thing that has been really cool, is that I've learned to not lean so much on others all the time. I've got a new confidence that I can figure stuff out on my own, and not need to be told what to do.. and know that God will give me the answers I need for that particular moment. Which He has been doing, which totally rocks.

I still don't know a thing. Which pisses me off because I've been totally under the impression that I know everything and that I've got everything under control. Whoops. My bad.