Eleven days left.

I have to say, I believe this six week sabbatical was most certainly on God's calendar.. before time even began. Can you imagine? That God knew.. before the planets and stars were made, that me.. little old me.. would need six weeks off from work.. for more reasons that just for surgery? I believe it. Do you believe He does these things for you?

The reasons I believe it, is because had I not had this time off to putter around, do laundry, run lazy errands, make soup, take a shower when I feel like it, to see friends in the early afternoon.. I would have worked myself into an absolute nervous breakdown.

Though, I still believe I had a moderate breakdown in the spring.. I kept holding on to the six weeks I knew was coming up.

I'd forgotten about how one's job should not overtake you. I'd forgotten about grace. I'd forgotten about leisurely driving to the beach.. listening to old standards, watching independent films, cooking, baking.. LIVING. I became all too consumed in WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING.. that there was little time left for anything else. And if I did have a free afternoon, I was too overwrought with guilt for NOT being busy doing something.. that I couldn't sit still.

I lived comparatively, you see. I watched others living their lives, seeing how they operated.. and tried to do what they did. Friends who had full time jobs, numerous kids, spouses, chores at home.. who maybe had five minutes to themselves in a day.. and I figured.. I've got all this free time because I'm single, I ought to at least do as much as them.. if not more. I tried to force myself into a mold that I don't believe God ever intended for me to fit into. I had refused my mold, as if it wasn't good enough, that my leisurely Saturday afternoons should have tons of activities because everyone ELSE was busy doing their thing, with their families.. and that those afternoons are just fine.. as they are.

But that's not me.. nor has it ever been. I've never been a task-master, chore-tackler, worker-bee, list-maker, organizer etc.. It's just not how I'm wired. I tend to do laundry when I feel like it, and when I do wash clothes.. I take joy in it. I do dishes when I feel like, and when I do wash them.. I put some music on, light candles.. make a cup of tea.. and also take joy in it. I refuse to perform a chore when it's not in my heart.. because doing something that's joyless, seems utterly horrible. I'd rather my house fall apart and look a mess than constantly wrestle with a mountain that will never be tamed anyway.

I suppose some of my friends with kids don't have this choice, and if you don't have the choice.. (I hope, that if you presently don't.. that you would find a way to take joy in your daily routines, that you would make a thing of it and spoil yourself a little by rewarding yourself after you have completed a task....) But I on the other hand, do have this choice. It's not that I'm lazy, but if there's no meaning to it, if I can't make an artform of washing dishes, dusting, mopping.. I'd rather just leave it for another day.

Joyless tasks can suck the life out of you. There is a way to add joy to your day. I'm so grateful that I've been given this space and time to 'Return to my Home', which is a phrase I remember the Lord put on my heart back in June.. to return to my first love, and this is my first passion... MY HOME.

Well..

I haven't posted anything lately because I haven't had anything exciting or totally spectacularly amazing to write about. Though, there's always the day to day. Which is okay too.

I like okay.

I've been home for a week and a half. At first it was really hard, I felt really down and heavy hearted. I started to journal. I started to write about what was making me sad, what was really going on inside. And it was freeing to vent, to vent to myself, to God.. just to let it out.

Sometimes it's terrifying to admit where your heart is. Because you perhaps don't want to offend God, or it's 'not the right attitude'.. but I've found the more I level with God, the more honest I am.. regardless if it's a bratty tantrum, or a refusal to unfold my arms and ask Him to forgive me even though I just can't let go. It's pretty cool, because I think He's pretty cool. I find He's way more mellow and cool than I am in all my anxiety and stress. He's a constant, while I am utterly inconsistent.

This past season.. well, all of 2009 thus far has been an incredibly difficult, scary, dark, sad time. I clung to what I know is the best thing to hold on to. I was vigilant to do everything any anything I could to hear from God. I prayed, I read, I listened, I worshipped.. and I didn't really ever hear anything. But what I did perceive was His movement. Answered prayer after answered prayer.. many of them answered in the physical. It was day to day.. sometimes hour to hour.

This week has been relatively light and easy. I haven't felt so utterly despondent and worried. I've felt okay for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing right. I don't feel super great. I feel, just okay. This is so wonderful to feel just okay. I feel like this is how the other half live. It's incredible to be able to drive to the beach and not feel this incredible deep ache for something, for anything. Maybe it's because I prayed hard the other day and cried out to the Lord and said 'Can it just be easy for a little while?' and 'I'm so unhappy'.

I feel like I've been given the thumbs up to just live. And not in the trenches of war, but to actually operate in life on a normal healthy basis. People can say there's no such thing as 'normal', but I think there is my 'normal'. And I feel like I'm coming back to it every day.

Operating in crisis mode for 6 months straight wore me down to nothing. He's building me back up. It's awesome.

Yay for normal!!

Go.

Had a very good and motivating conversation with a friend on the beach today.  

"Move out of the shell, free yourself from the safety of coddling arms, you are equipped to do this, you can do this."

I have been thinking a lot about this.  A lot about my place in life..  same house, same job, same church for a while now..  settling in..  thinking..  this is it.   Wait, this is it?  If this is it, then I hate this.  Who said I had to stay here?  Who told me that if I am settling in like a barnacle on a rock that this is what life is all about?  And why have I listened?  Are they barnacles that just want company?  Wherever I got this idea from..  I know it wasn't from God, I have heard grains of truth today that made me feel really uncomfortable and yet excited...  

I have put many elaborate and embroidered limitations on this God I choose to follow..  or this God who has chosen to pursue me and call me His own.  He's so sweet like that.  

I have all of these ideas and dreams that just remain vaulted in the sky..  and I haven't moved out in faith towards any of them.  This has surely limited God, this has surely limited me.

Well, I've got some time left, a really sweet tan..  and many ideas to put down on paper.. and then move on them and will seek His guidance throughout..  I told the Lord today.. "Well, okay. Push my boat off shore, you've given me everything I need to sail."

Remember, don't hang up, just talk about it...

The more I talk about it.. the more I vent, the more I examine.. the better I feel.

I'm grateful for the people in my life who have been the softest, safest and most amazing pillows who not only give my heart and my spirit a safe harbor.. but then cheer me on and tell me that I can do it, that God is with me... I have my very own cheerleading team.

Who gets this in life? Who is blessed with such abundance? I'm utterly humbled by the Aarons and the Hurs who have walked with me, holding my arms up. As if these arms could ever be like Moses' arms.. but still. The Lord has surrounded me, hemmed me in with warriors.

I've had numerous eleventh hour rescues, over and over.. Just when I think I can't take it anymore.. here comes someone to visit and listen.. or there's the phone call just when I needed it or there's the message or comment on facebook that gets me through the afternoon. I'm astounded and how closely He is monitoring me and my needs. He is like my life support.. no, He is my life support. Jesus is my life support.

I've been given six weeks of recovery and have landed on Lake Mohawk in Sparta, NJ. I have begun to decompress and relax and it is just delicious. The family that has given me stay has abundantly filled my belly and my soul with good food and good care. They are absolute blessings and treasures. Don't tell them, but I believe the crowns that await them in heaven are going to be pretty amazing.. but if they knew it they'd probably be embarrassed. So again, keep it quiet.

I've got 32 more days of this rest.. and I already feel physically so well. I'm also in need of life respite. God totally knew what I needed, so far ahead of time that I could not have planned it out myself. I would have just kept working, and working, and working.

How am I this loved? How am I so well taken care of? It blows my mind, I don't get it. But I love it and can't get enough and want more and more of this love.