do the right thing.. sucka.

I came to a point last week where I needed to make a decision. A decision that I've been running from for a LONG freakin time.

I won't really go in to the specifics of what happened.. I just stopped running and decided to sit. I have acknowledged something that was in need in my life (insert your own burden here) and have started a journey towards being way more honest about where I'm at.

I'm at peace with life. At peace with God. At peace with myself (well, getting there).

I'm taking life easy. Going to work. Coming home. Taking care of my life and myself and not overdoing it. Going to church. Going to small group. Maintaining friendships and letting others help me. It's really neat to watch life happen while not feeling like I need to control it.

Freedom.

No really, I've got it.

One lesson I've learned this year is that I don't. One way that God has moved in my life this year is through others. I thought that I could keep them at a safe distance.. that their 'help' really wouldn't make much of a difference because they couldn't possibly know or understand the deep and broken stuff and I'd most likely just be more of a burden or an annoyance than anything else.

Ha. For years I have been so busy running.. running from opening up.. running from my fear of this kind of intimacy.. from being exposed for who I really am. Yikes. It feels like a roller coaster ride.. or free fall.. bungee jumping with no guarantee that the ropes will hold. I didn't think this kind of exposure was supposed to happen. I thought I could keep everything tight lipped, I thought I would just continue helping others.. and keep so busy so I wouldn't 'need' to receive from anyone.

Apparently God had other plans.

Self-sufficiency. I'm a modern woman. I 'should' be able to handle all of this. I 'should' be able to do all of this on my own and if I can't then I'll just pray.. when yes, that has been the first thing to do.. but then there's community. Not having to go it alone. Not having to rely on anyone else. Having people there to go through things with me.. alongside me.. helping carry my weight as I go. Not just in time of crisis.. but regularly. This is humbling. Almost embarrassing.

I didn't realize how much grace people have been extending. I don't want to think about if I'm 'that' person in their lives that feel more like a pebble in their shoe.. or if I'm 'stretching' them in their walk. If that has happened.. I'm unaware (which is fine with me).. however, this has given me the awareness of needing to extend grace to others. I think this is really cool.

2009 has been a year of happy hellos and sorrowful goodbyes. Grief and joy. Relief and release. Pain and resolve. Music and laughter. Despair and hope.

One more thing I've learned this year is acceptance. Accepting myself. Having grace on myself. Someone very dear taught me this. I'm truly grateful.

I am.

I am responsible for me, for my life that God has given me, for maintaining my relationship with God first and foremost. I know Christ's love so much more and so much deeper in this season than ever before. It's not a mean love. It's not a bully waiting around the corner in the schoolyard waiting to pound you love. It's a love that has drawn me closer. Closer still through my mistakes, my errors, my anxieties, my fears. It's a love that moves so much stronger than any of these things. It really isn't about rules, or religion, or the regulations that were consistently raked through my brain because of legalism. I've NEVER been moved to obey out of LOVE. I've only been moved to obey out of total fear. This caused such grief in me when I realized this. That I've been living in fear of doing the wrong thing for all the wrong reasons. And not to please my God, who I'm still learning is not a mean and distant father. He is good, He is kind and He LOVES me just as I am.

Because of this distorted view of God, I have been so afraid to open up and receive His love. I never knew that He could love me through my sin, and even use my sin and mess to show me how much He just can't get enough of me. Do you have any idea of what this is like? Anyone? This is new to me.

Since I moved out of my cavern of religion/fear I have moved into life. Which consists of messing up a lot, leaning on a God that I'm not so terrified of anymore and continuing to pray to Him without trembling and shaking and fearing that He's going to totally wreck me.

I've been through so much this year, this decade.. it's profound to feel human again. To feel relatively safe... out of crisis mode and in a more trusting mode. His name is Jesus. His name is glorious.

Another thing that has been really cool, is that I've learned to not lean so much on others all the time. I've got a new confidence that I can figure stuff out on my own, and not need to be told what to do.. and know that God will give me the answers I need for that particular moment. Which He has been doing, which totally rocks.

I still don't know a thing. Which pisses me off because I've been totally under the impression that I know everything and that I've got everything under control. Whoops. My bad.

Eleven days left.

I have to say, I believe this six week sabbatical was most certainly on God's calendar.. before time even began. Can you imagine? That God knew.. before the planets and stars were made, that me.. little old me.. would need six weeks off from work.. for more reasons that just for surgery? I believe it. Do you believe He does these things for you?

The reasons I believe it, is because had I not had this time off to putter around, do laundry, run lazy errands, make soup, take a shower when I feel like it, to see friends in the early afternoon.. I would have worked myself into an absolute nervous breakdown.

Though, I still believe I had a moderate breakdown in the spring.. I kept holding on to the six weeks I knew was coming up.

I'd forgotten about how one's job should not overtake you. I'd forgotten about grace. I'd forgotten about leisurely driving to the beach.. listening to old standards, watching independent films, cooking, baking.. LIVING. I became all too consumed in WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING.. that there was little time left for anything else. And if I did have a free afternoon, I was too overwrought with guilt for NOT being busy doing something.. that I couldn't sit still.

I lived comparatively, you see. I watched others living their lives, seeing how they operated.. and tried to do what they did. Friends who had full time jobs, numerous kids, spouses, chores at home.. who maybe had five minutes to themselves in a day.. and I figured.. I've got all this free time because I'm single, I ought to at least do as much as them.. if not more. I tried to force myself into a mold that I don't believe God ever intended for me to fit into. I had refused my mold, as if it wasn't good enough, that my leisurely Saturday afternoons should have tons of activities because everyone ELSE was busy doing their thing, with their families.. and that those afternoons are just fine.. as they are.

But that's not me.. nor has it ever been. I've never been a task-master, chore-tackler, worker-bee, list-maker, organizer etc.. It's just not how I'm wired. I tend to do laundry when I feel like it, and when I do wash clothes.. I take joy in it. I do dishes when I feel like, and when I do wash them.. I put some music on, light candles.. make a cup of tea.. and also take joy in it. I refuse to perform a chore when it's not in my heart.. because doing something that's joyless, seems utterly horrible. I'd rather my house fall apart and look a mess than constantly wrestle with a mountain that will never be tamed anyway.

I suppose some of my friends with kids don't have this choice, and if you don't have the choice.. (I hope, that if you presently don't.. that you would find a way to take joy in your daily routines, that you would make a thing of it and spoil yourself a little by rewarding yourself after you have completed a task....) But I on the other hand, do have this choice. It's not that I'm lazy, but if there's no meaning to it, if I can't make an artform of washing dishes, dusting, mopping.. I'd rather just leave it for another day.

Joyless tasks can suck the life out of you. There is a way to add joy to your day. I'm so grateful that I've been given this space and time to 'Return to my Home', which is a phrase I remember the Lord put on my heart back in June.. to return to my first love, and this is my first passion... MY HOME.

Well..

I haven't posted anything lately because I haven't had anything exciting or totally spectacularly amazing to write about. Though, there's always the day to day. Which is okay too.

I like okay.

I've been home for a week and a half. At first it was really hard, I felt really down and heavy hearted. I started to journal. I started to write about what was making me sad, what was really going on inside. And it was freeing to vent, to vent to myself, to God.. just to let it out.

Sometimes it's terrifying to admit where your heart is. Because you perhaps don't want to offend God, or it's 'not the right attitude'.. but I've found the more I level with God, the more honest I am.. regardless if it's a bratty tantrum, or a refusal to unfold my arms and ask Him to forgive me even though I just can't let go. It's pretty cool, because I think He's pretty cool. I find He's way more mellow and cool than I am in all my anxiety and stress. He's a constant, while I am utterly inconsistent.

This past season.. well, all of 2009 thus far has been an incredibly difficult, scary, dark, sad time. I clung to what I know is the best thing to hold on to. I was vigilant to do everything any anything I could to hear from God. I prayed, I read, I listened, I worshipped.. and I didn't really ever hear anything. But what I did perceive was His movement. Answered prayer after answered prayer.. many of them answered in the physical. It was day to day.. sometimes hour to hour.

This week has been relatively light and easy. I haven't felt so utterly despondent and worried. I've felt okay for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing right. I don't feel super great. I feel, just okay. This is so wonderful to feel just okay. I feel like this is how the other half live. It's incredible to be able to drive to the beach and not feel this incredible deep ache for something, for anything. Maybe it's because I prayed hard the other day and cried out to the Lord and said 'Can it just be easy for a little while?' and 'I'm so unhappy'.

I feel like I've been given the thumbs up to just live. And not in the trenches of war, but to actually operate in life on a normal healthy basis. People can say there's no such thing as 'normal', but I think there is my 'normal'. And I feel like I'm coming back to it every day.

Operating in crisis mode for 6 months straight wore me down to nothing. He's building me back up. It's awesome.

Yay for normal!!

Go.

Had a very good and motivating conversation with a friend on the beach today.  

"Move out of the shell, free yourself from the safety of coddling arms, you are equipped to do this, you can do this."

I have been thinking a lot about this.  A lot about my place in life..  same house, same job, same church for a while now..  settling in..  thinking..  this is it.   Wait, this is it?  If this is it, then I hate this.  Who said I had to stay here?  Who told me that if I am settling in like a barnacle on a rock that this is what life is all about?  And why have I listened?  Are they barnacles that just want company?  Wherever I got this idea from..  I know it wasn't from God, I have heard grains of truth today that made me feel really uncomfortable and yet excited...  

I have put many elaborate and embroidered limitations on this God I choose to follow..  or this God who has chosen to pursue me and call me His own.  He's so sweet like that.  

I have all of these ideas and dreams that just remain vaulted in the sky..  and I haven't moved out in faith towards any of them.  This has surely limited God, this has surely limited me.

Well, I've got some time left, a really sweet tan..  and many ideas to put down on paper.. and then move on them and will seek His guidance throughout..  I told the Lord today.. "Well, okay. Push my boat off shore, you've given me everything I need to sail."

Remember, don't hang up, just talk about it...

The more I talk about it.. the more I vent, the more I examine.. the better I feel.

I'm grateful for the people in my life who have been the softest, safest and most amazing pillows who not only give my heart and my spirit a safe harbor.. but then cheer me on and tell me that I can do it, that God is with me... I have my very own cheerleading team.

Who gets this in life? Who is blessed with such abundance? I'm utterly humbled by the Aarons and the Hurs who have walked with me, holding my arms up. As if these arms could ever be like Moses' arms.. but still. The Lord has surrounded me, hemmed me in with warriors.

I've had numerous eleventh hour rescues, over and over.. Just when I think I can't take it anymore.. here comes someone to visit and listen.. or there's the phone call just when I needed it or there's the message or comment on facebook that gets me through the afternoon. I'm astounded and how closely He is monitoring me and my needs. He is like my life support.. no, He is my life support. Jesus is my life support.

I've been given six weeks of recovery and have landed on Lake Mohawk in Sparta, NJ. I have begun to decompress and relax and it is just delicious. The family that has given me stay has abundantly filled my belly and my soul with good food and good care. They are absolute blessings and treasures. Don't tell them, but I believe the crowns that await them in heaven are going to be pretty amazing.. but if they knew it they'd probably be embarrassed. So again, keep it quiet.

I've got 32 more days of this rest.. and I already feel physically so well. I'm also in need of life respite. God totally knew what I needed, so far ahead of time that I could not have planned it out myself. I would have just kept working, and working, and working.

How am I this loved? How am I so well taken care of? It blows my mind, I don't get it. But I love it and can't get enough and want more and more of this love.

Adirondack Chair Revelation

Okay, so I'm reading Psalms this morning whilst on the dock, out on the water, sitting in an adirondack chair in the blazing sun (which has been quite coy this past week). I'm watching boats race, duck mothers and her ducklings swimming by, Cormorants diving for fish, and the Sparta waterski team preparing for their annual 4th of July water skiing performance to the tune of 'The Final Countdown' by Europe. This should get anybody pumped for fireworks.

So I'm sitting reading the words of our great King David... and I've got nothing. Zilch. Nada. None. So I read one of the special excerpts about some kind of trial or emotional experience.. and I looked into one of the scriptures that related to depression. So I decided to open up the book of Samuel. 1 Samuel 16. I really had no idea what this passage was going to say to me, what the Lord had in store for me to find. This is the passage that hit home. Many of you reading this may be skeptic, may think.. 'yeah, but it's Old Testament, we're under the new covenant now'. I'm just going to put this out there... I believe the ENTIRE word of God is relevant. Even though some of the laws in Leviticus are no longer necessary.. whatev. I'm no theologian.. and I'm glad for that. I just believe in Jesus and his Word. Enough said.

So I read this particular passage:

A Distressing Spirit Troubles Saul
14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and a distressing spirit from the LORD troubled him. 15 And Saul’s servants said to him, “Surely, a distressing spirit from God is troubling you. 16 Let our master now command your servants, who are before you, to seek out a man who is a skillful player on the harp. And it shall be that he will play it with his hand when the distressing spirit from God is upon you, and you shall be well.” 17 So Saul said to his servants, “Provide me now a man who can play well, and bring him to me.” 18 Then one of the servants answered and said, “Look, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a mighty man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a handsome person; and the LORD is with him.” 19 Therefore Saul sent messengers to Jesse, and said, “Send me your son David, who is with the sheep.” 20 And Jesse took a donkey loaded with bread, a skin of wine, and a young goat, and sent them by his son David to Saul. 21 So David came to Saul and stood before him. And he loved him greatly, and he became his armorbearer. 22 Then Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Please let David stand before me, for he has found favor in my sight.” 23 And so it was, whenever the spirit from God was upon Saul, that David would take a harp and play it with his hand. Then Saul would become refreshed and well, and the distressing spirit would depart from him.

The little reference at the bottom of the page mentioned that the Lord uses even distressing spirits to provoke us to come back to Him and lean on Him. Wow. This was such an amazing relief. That could my current distress and hardships and troubles really be right under the Lord's authority? Ha! It's hilarious to think, that I have been under the impression that God has no idea what's going on down here and that I'm barely coming up for air in this trial.

It was so truly peacegiving for me to realize, He's aware of it all, He's using whatever I'm going through to HELP me to rely fully on Him. (It may sound totally trivial and simple, but when you become aware of it, it's like a ton of bricks are lifted off and you want to tell the whole world cause God just showed something that changed your heart)

I then changed position, lied down on the deck with the sun in my face and said "Whatever you want Lord, You've got me, have Your way". And really, that's all I had to say. I believe that was enough, and that all He wanted to do was get through to me and say "Babe, I've got it" and for me to say, 'Yes, I know and I'm resting in it'.

Hallelujia, babe, He's got it.

Recover

So here I sit in Sparta. Staying with family who have graciously offered to put me up for my recovery. It's been three days since my surgery. The emotional high has worn off and I'm no longer surviving off pure adrenaline.

So now is the let-down. Now is the time where I really need people to be around, where I need to be encouraged and I need to be reminded that there is hope out there. It's just been so hard to muster it up on my own.

I read this morning in Exodus. Exodus 17:10
10 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

This spoke so clearly to me, that I can't do it on my own all the time.. that my arms will get tired. But it is so contrary to who I am now to have people be the lifter of my arms when I can no longer hold them up. I am so used to being independent. I am so utterly always in need of control. This is the season where I need to give up the control and let God take over.. and let Him take over through others as well.

Please pray for me.. as I am feeling vulnerable and weak. I need strength more than ever.

The rain in Spain... stays mainly on the plain

I went to a really great worship service last night.  A flame was reignited for a passion I've always had.  To pray for people!  It was exciting.  What better way to take your eyes off yourself and directly on to others and the Lord.  It was refreshing.  

Afterwards a handful of us went out for ice cream.  I didn't specify that I wanted soft-serve vanilla, and so I got hard ice cream.  Blech.  Never again.  That was too much vanilla for anyone and it was a small cone.

But after that, I went to my friend Gary and Allison's house for some tea and giggling.  They're so fun.  I love spending time with them.  I'm thankful to God for their friendship!

This morning I woke up, prayed a little, read a proverb and took the dog out.  I needed to run to the pharmacy and drop off a script for medication.  I dropped it off and then went to a local Christian bookstore where my friend Joe and Margie have set up a coffee bar.  It was so nice!  I then had a wonderful conversation  with a woman named Sue who I met last night at said church service.  We instantly connected!  We laughed and cried and prayed.  It was so encouraging!  She invited me to her church in Ocean Grove.  I think I'll go and visit.  They meet on the boardwalk in the summer.  How nice.

I bought a hymnal.  Sometimes just reading the words of those songs brings peace.  Right?

Then I went back to Walgreen's to pick up my medication.  Bought some sweet pink and coral nail polishes, pencils, a sudoku book, lip gloss (an essential everyday item in a girl's life) and some hair accessories.  A bit of a splurge, but I just figured, hey.. if I'm gonna feel like crap soon..  I may as well look good!  Pink shimmery lip gloss in the summer is a must have.

I am also on the lookout for a big brimmed hat to wear when I sunbathe this summer during recovery.  That and some big old sunglasses.  I am at least going to have a glamorous time while I'm able.  This is important.  Too bad I can't wear jewelry during surgery.  I mean, would a pearl necklace REALLY get in the way?  They're not even going to be near my neck. I don't understand.  Well, I guess they have their reasons.

Sunday June 21- Tomorrow is the day that I am going to drink a gallon of what will probably taste something like ocean water and nail polish remover.  I'm not looking forward to this at all.  However, I will be able to stay home and tend to nesting and cleaning up and watching movies on hulu.  My big brother bought me a new computer!  This is so fun. 

Monday June 22- This is the day I arise early and go for a colonoscopy.  I have said it before.  I am too pretty to have one of these.  Enough said.

Tuesday June 23 - I am not sure what time the surgery will be.  I think it's going to start around 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  I am not really scared.  My cousins Tom and Jamie will come down on Monday night and will be with me the whole time.  This part is fun because they are both very funny, and when we three are together we laugh a lot.  So I'm blessed to have them as family and look forward to funny/awkward memories that will come of this.  I am also a little queasy about the idea of taking pain medication.  I don't like how it makes me feel at all.  So if you are lead to pray for me, please pray that I wouldn't need to take too much.  I'm praying for a quick recovery and that I would feel so good so soon...  not jumping jacks good, but good enough that I'm not puking my guts out.  That's gross, but whatever.

I'll write more when I can.  

Bound by fear

I dreamed last night that I was going to drive from California to New Jersey alone. All alone. Most likely stopping at motels or hotels along the way to sleep at night. I was SO excited to do this in my dream. Totally looking forward to seeing the open road, not afraid to stay at strange and foreign places.

This is something I would not do unless I absolutely HAD to in real life. Sometimes I'm even a little freaked out by going to the grocery store alone, let alone 3000 mile solo car ride.

I was freed from fear at a recent prayer/praise/worship service in Ocean Grove. It was amazing. I know God's Holy Spirit is seriously at work in me. Like He's excavating with a big old spiritual backhoe.

Since the late winter/early spring I have been seeking His face like never before. I grew tired of my heart/mind/soul condition and cried out to Him for help. Help in prayer and help in His word. Nothing in my life was cutting it. Nothing. Not work, not church, not friends, not family. I was at a crossroads and I turned towards Jesus. I have been avoiding the valley, skirting around it's perimeter for a LONG time. I agreed to go through it. I have never felt to pressed, so tired, so worn, so desperate. I have had numerous sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, phobias. The warfare has been intense. And when the warfare comes, I cling. I cling. I cling. I cling. This is what has gotten me through the darkest parts. I have often felt like giving up, but something in me keeps pushing me to keep going, keep fighting, keep praying.

I have considered numerous times to turn to psychology, psychiatry, to medication, to therapy. I don't discredit its value.. however, my heart and spirit are continually persisting and urging me to keep going. Every time I try to contact any mental health clinician, there are ALWAYS roadblocks. Not that I think I'm above it or that I can do this all by myself, but that I need to start turning to Jesus Christ before others. That's just the season I'm in.

It has been one of the most difficult roads I've ever been on. I know that He has given me the option to turn to Him or turn to the world. I have chosen Him. In turn, countless answered prayers and miracles have happened.

Suffice to say, I feel the dream was just a small glimpse into a world that is not controlled by fear.

Mom

June 14, 2004 was the day that my mother's spirit went to be with Christ.  This comforts me.

Yet, this afternoon I ran some errands and I started to feel a building up of tension.  I started to feel like I was going to lose it.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I was glad to come home and quickly put my groceries away and sit on the couch and relax.  

I turned on the TV.  Steel Magnolias was on.  The part where the mom was pinning the corsage on Shelby's wedding suit (the traveling suit after the reception).  I saw the love of the mother for her daughter.  That zeroed in on my pain.  I started to weep and cry for my mother.  But in such a wonderful and loving way.  The way I miss her doesn't feel like the end of the world, but sort of like..  I wish you were here to be going through these things with me.  I bet if she knew the things she's missed out on after she died, she'd be up there, before the throne with arms crossed, tapping her feet, telling God He's got it all wrong and that she should totally be down here with her kids.  Loving them, cooking for them and experiencing the joys of all these new milestones for both me and my brother and his new wife.  

I miss her strawberry jam.  Her handmade wheat bread.  Her outlandish dreams and desires. 

I miss sitting with her, glass of red wine in hand watching British sitcoms on Saturday nights.. knitting together and giggling and then getting annoyed with her as she just started talking, talking, talking over the TV so I'd have to turn the volume down.

I miss how much she loved others.  How she did anything for anyone.  How the gifts she made for people were from scratch, handmade, with all the love she could muster.

I miss hearing her prayers, of thanks to Jesus.  Oh, did she just love Jesus.  I don't know anyone who loved her Lord more than my mom.  

This is why I know she's above.  Regardless of her mistakes, her weaknesses..  and her  strengths..  I know she's with the One she loved.

Gospel Music

This week I have indulged in Pandora. The website where you can create your very own playlist according to your favorite artists.

I was listening to some Christian artists here and there, but nothing was cutting it. I sometimes just don't know what the heck they are singing about. My current struggle sometimes feels like it runs so deep and so dark. This is when I created a 'Kirk Franklin' playlist.

Well, I am now grateful for artists like Yolanda Adams, Mary Mary, Donnie McClurkin, Fred Hammond, Hezekiah Walker and the Tri-City Singers. Oh my goodness, if there is encouragement out there, music that tells the truth, that lifts you up and reminds you of all of God's promises and how strong He really is.. and focuses on Him.. not me.. this is the place. For me anyway.

Not that I mind the poetic and contemplative music from the likes of Sara Groves, Ginny Owens and Rich Mullins. I like these artists. Their music has certainly helped me through some tough times. But somehow I seem to focus on myself when I listen. This may be just my experience.

I love Black American Gospel music. In this dark valley, in this place that seems hopeless, this true, delivered and authentic group of artists who have first hand seen the Hand of God in their lives and the way they sing about it, with joy, with excitement, with happiness and with expectation has lifted me up daily.

I have to put it on in my car and have it playing when I get home. (If I'm not being reminded, and when I'm alone it's hard to remind myself all the time).. I'm so grateful that I have this amazing resource of comfort that will keep my mind focused on Jesus, His ability and that I'm going to be alright.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the technology in this day and age.

Surgery Date and the emotional process of it all

I have a surgery coming up. It's on Tuesday June 23rd. It's major surgery.

I don't think I'm able to comprehend or process the fact that it is a pretty big ordeal. The whole process begins on Sunday the 21st. Father's Day. I'll be spending that day drinking a solution for a colonoscopy that I need to have done the next day, Monday the 22nd. Usually colonoscopies are a big deal onto themselves, but that's the least of my worries. The big deal is Tuesday the 23rd. I just need to get past everything. I just need to get past the 23rd.

In my mind and heart, I wait for the moment when I wake up after surgery and even though I will probably feel like absolute crap, I'll be covered with warm blankets, I'll be taken to a room with hopefully a nice view, hopefully I'll have my own room and will have some friends and family near me to hold my hand and comfort me if the need arises should I cry for my mom. Which, during this difficult season, I have been doing so much of. This experience has given me such a beautiful and painful reminder of how much I desperately miss my mom and dad. I have been treasuring my memories of them, spending time with them, wishing and aching for their presence.. even though they had their own battles and serious struggles, they were so beautiful to me.

I am truly grateful I got to spend the time with them that I did.

Here are some memories I've been recalling:

Grilled steaks, baked potatoes, green salad and red wine dinners out on the deck in the summer.

Rides to Sandy Hook with my dad, just because.

Long adventure drives with my mom to find the broken down foreclosed property that never turned into the dreamhouse she wanted. With or without a map.. we usually found our way back due to our amazing sense of direction.

Refinishing old furniture with my dad.

Trips into NYC with my dad to go to work with him to recording studios.

Ordering either Chinese takeout or Italian from local places in Highlands on Friday nights.


One thing I know. I'll have the Lord. I'll also have His love with me, in my heart, surrounding me. As I do right now. A love and comfort that exceeds and outdoes any love that we receive here on earth.

ABC 123

This morning I awoke after a really great night of sleep without any medication. I am so very happy about this!

Around 7:00am I sat in bed with my little dog at my side snoozing away happily, I started to pray. Many times, when I start to pray I get intimidated. I think sometimes that I have no idea what to pray for, how to pray, and that my prayers are not effective. Well, we all know who is lying to me.. but to get over this hump and refute the lie is up to me with God's help.

So as I started to pray, I had a little vision. A vision of a chalkboard with 'ABC 123' written on it. I immediately started praying a prayer like a child. Like I was in kindergarten. Asking for things like "Please let my day go good" and "please help me be nice to the people I don't like" and "help me to get my work done" and then I started thanking Him for the simple things like, "thanks for letting me spend a good time with my friends last night and please bless them" and "thanks that I woke up today". Then I said "I'm sorry that I'm a jerk" and with all the trust and faith I could muster "Here is this heart, please make it soft and not hard like a rock".

God winks?

After church I walked with a friend and her daughter down to Marine Park in Red Bank for Jazzfest.  Since I've been dealing with lots of stress lately, I knew I should prepare myself that I could feel anxious and possibly agoraphobic amongst many people.  I also prepared my friend of the potential for an anxiety attack, and if it happens then I'll probably make a B-Line for home. As soon as I said that, the tension deflated.  Funny, how when we put it into words it seems to help?  Ah, as if the whole 'if you talk about it you'll feel better' school of thought was wrong?  Hmph.  My bad.

Anyway, as we started walking into town and before I mentioned this possibility to my friend..  I saw and heard many little cues that I know were the Lord, and we not coincidental.

As we passed by Murphy's Grill I heard Bruce Springsteen's voice singing "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright"  which gave me a little chuckle.

I needed to get some cash and walked into Brannigan's.. a local bar that I spent way too much money and time in during my 20's..  as I got my $20 bill, as I was exiting I saw someone on one of the big TV's who was singing and the caption at the bottom said "ROCK OF AGES"..   also, another little chuckle.

I walked across the street to my friend who was waiting for me and immediately spotted a White Rose Tea truck. On the side of it, it says "You deserve the best"..  (a friend of my mom's told me about this truck that she would see, and always knew it was a message from the Lord)

As we entered the park this is when I mentioned I may need to make an exit if I feel overwhelmed.   We got our food and then started to walk down a path and the band on the main stage was playing 'Summertime'.. you know that song..  'Summertime... and the living is easy'.. well, it wasn't those words that spoke to me..   She starting singing "No harm will come to you"... yet, another little laugh.. 

People may use the term 'God Winks' loosely..  and I know when He is clearly moving in my life.  But this afternoon was a little too obvious of His love for me.. and His love for us.

Enjoy your day.

Well...

I'm not one to put really personal feelings out there for the world to read.  I do believe one has to be careful with what they share so as not to offend, hurt feelings or alienate anyone.

My post yesterday I believe is a combination result of my own inability to speak up.  I also believe much of my venting and frustration has a lot to do with lack of sleep.. an eight hour luxury that I have yet to enjoy in over a month.  I'm cranky and feeling overwhelmed.

So I will leave the post up.  But want to acknowledge that things can get messy, emotions can flare, and I too am guilty of getting frustrated with generally sweet and helpful folks who just mean well, and my lack of honesty causes me the grief too.  I just don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.  If I'm coming to someone to talk, I hope I can muster up the courage to ask them if they can just listen..  and if I'm going to someone for advice, then I should certainly honor them and their time and wisdom.

Peaceout.

We're all on this journey.  We're all trying to figure this out.  With God's help and guidance, we'll get there.

Advice and Guilty Thereof

I haven't been through a tough time like this in about five years.  That's when my mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and died about four months later.  My father had passed the summer before, also from cancer. 

My health is now threatened by a pretty excessive amount of scar tissue from a condition called endometriosis.  Some women have small cysts.. I happen to have large ones, in fact some of my organs are (without going into detail) sort of stuck to each other down there.. and I'm having major surgery in a few weeks.  I had an operation about a month ago that I thought was going to fix everything and I was going to be just fine.

Nope.  This coming surgery will require a six week recovery.  This will be my fourth.  

So.  Suffice to say, this has been an intensely dark time.  Many of my nights are spent alone, watching the ceiling, unable to sleep.  Praying to God to help me sleep so that I can go to work tomorrow and not feel like a bundle of nerves.  I am usually not getting that sleep, so when I do rise in the morning, I'm even more stressed out that I can't sleep..  and thus begins my day at work.. at a job that is also highly stressful.  

I'm just plainly going through a really grueling time.  I am talking to people all the time, sharing my thoughts, fears, struggles.. etc.  And I'd say about 85% to 90% of the feedback I receive is in the form of 'advice', about how I should pray, that I should talk to a professional counselor, that maybe I should take some medication during this season, that I should do this, or I should do that..  and honestly, it makes my head spin, causes me WAY more anxiety than I am already experiencing, and makes me want to talk less to people.. for fear of the 'deer in the headlights' reaction.  I'm afraid to say to people 'hey, can I just talk here, and can you just listen?"  Partly because I'm a people pleaser, but also because I want to honor them and the time they're taking out to 'help'.  But, it isn't helping.   Sometimes a girl just needs to vent, to talk about it, and to know that her words and her heart are safe without fearing a wave of information coming at you and you need to pay attention after your emotional outburst even though you just can't take anymore information in.  All you really need...... is to just let it out.

I have been feeling unsafe with sharing lately.  It kind of bums me out and causes me to feel alienated from people for fear they start mentally looking for their 'toolkit' as I speak.  On the flipside, it has taught me a few humbling lessons.

One is.. that I am so very guilty of this.  I am so totally guilty of giving advice.  Of thinking that I know it all, that in all my 34 years of experience I can totally fix your circumstance and if you just listen to what I say then you'll be fine.  I sorrowfully regret this and am so grateful that the Lord has shown me this.  

I also learned this important lesson when my mother was sick.  EVERYONE had advice. Few just sat and listened and loved.  It reminds me of Job's peanut gallery.  They all had something to say didn't they?  They tried to figure it out and tried to fix it, only to leave Job feeling less comforted and worse.

I'm grateful for this lesson, I'm grateful that I do have a few close friends who don't try to 'fix it'. 

I'm grateful God is in this.  Even though, feeling exhausted, worn-out, stressed, anxious and even sad.. He is in the midst of this. 

Weary

Oh, it's been a weary month.. it's been a weary year.

I keep knocking on God's door, trying to battleaxe my way through this walk of faith..

I need to remember it is a marathon. Not a sprint.

So I keep spinning and spinning like a whirling dervish.. trying to hear God's voice so desperately... clinging to what I know He's done in the past.. and I can see His movement in my life. Bigtime. I can see His movement.. I just can't hear Him. It's such a strange experience.

I'm so full of anxiety, I'm overwhelmed by the status of my health, my current status as single , work related stresssssss... So much so, that I can't sleep, I can barely eat, I can't seem to see the light from the bottom of this dark valley.. yet I know, because I accepted Jesus as my savior.. and regardless of how abandoned I am for Him in my heart.. that He makes promises to his people, and to orphans.. I am an orphan. Both parents gone, my only sibling is off traveling the world and married..

So, His movement in my life does have to do with how much He loves me, but I've been thinking lately, His care for me in my life has more to do with who He is, who He says He is.. and His promises to us.. and that He is a constant.. always moving, always providing, always longsuffering with us as we try to figure this out. I feel like I'm in a bubble, and that God's hand is carrying me, His daughter in that little bubble. Sometimes it gets bumped, sometimes there are cracks, sometimes it gets dry, sometimes it gets dark.. but I am surely carried by something Greater than I realize or could even humanly comprehend.

I pray that I come out of this valley more abandoned to the safe and big arms of Jesus Christ. I've been so cautious about this abandon for so long.

Website

I found this website through browsing.  It has provided so much help and direction for me in my spiritual walk.  It has so many topics.  I haven't read anything so far that leaves a check in my spirit.  

Check it out.  Whenever I'm home and feeling discouraged and need to find some truth.. this guy writes so eloquently and intelligently.  

http://net-burst.net/search.htm

Have at it.  I hope it helps you.

Psalm 4:1

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress:
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the psalms, trying to figure them out. Putting unnecessary pressure on myself to 'get it'. And honestly, for the most part... I just don't. But I'm pretty sure God's okay with that. I have been trying to tackle, charge, force, sprint my relationship with the Lord and His word. And the more noise I make, and the more stress I put on myself, the less I hear from Him.

I've been working myself up into a religious frenzy to the point where I am exhausted, tense, anxious..etc. None of this makes sense. This doesn't resemble the fruits of the spirit.. gentle, kind, willingness to yield etc.. How I think the more I work, the more I try that God is going to break through the paper barrier at my football game and score a touchdown.

I think He's a lot cooler and more mellow than this. I don't give His grace any room, mostly because I refuse to receive that grace because I'm just too darn messed up and gross to think that any of it should come my way.

This goes against the gospel of grace. I need to relearn this just about once a year. To relax. To let grace do it's supernatural job in me and wait for the Lord to lead in this relationship. Then there's trust. That's for another day.

give it up

So, I was sitting at work today and I was thinking..  something that I do quite incessantly and a little too much of for my own health...  so I was thinking, I'm sick of myself.  Meaning, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I'm tired of feeling so 'woe is me' and 'everything is so hard all the time'... because really, life is going to happen..  and it's up to me if I'm going to have the right attitude or the wrong attitude...  I am determined to have the right attitude.  

I prayed to the Lord today as I looked up at the drop ceiling at my job and said 'I don't want to feel like this anymore'..  

I've grown sick of everything.  That certainly can't mean that everything in my life has gone 'bad' or that it's all pretty lame.  No, that must mean that my heart has changed.  My heart has grown bitter and cold.  And I'm just plain tired of it.  I told the Lord, make me of use to you and to others.  Help me to forget about myself.  

Surgery outcome and prognosis will be its own according to trust in God and prayers from myself, friends and family.  So if it's going to be what it's going to be, then don't I have a choice in how I choose to proceed with my attitude? 

I think my attitude has been pretty crappy lately.  I am tired of feeling this way.  It's poisonous and I want out..  and that way, is Jesus and His help.

I read in Psalm 3 today where David's enemies claimed that there is no help for him in God.  I can say the same thing about the lies the enemy has whispered in my ear, that God can't help me..  that no one can help me.  I started to believe those lies and fell headlong into despair and darkness.

I think that's all changing.  I am crying out to Jesus, however little amount of faith I have.  I am asking Him for His help, His mercy and His heart in mine.  

The more time we spend with Him, the more time we look at Him and others..  This I believe.

Today 5/28/09

I went to the doctor's today. Just got a little overview about what the next few months of surgery and recoup will look like.

I'm stressed and a bit worried. Trying to figure out how to lean on Jesus and keep pressing on.

Life can just be downright tough sometimes.