Bound by fear

I dreamed last night that I was going to drive from California to New Jersey alone. All alone. Most likely stopping at motels or hotels along the way to sleep at night. I was SO excited to do this in my dream. Totally looking forward to seeing the open road, not afraid to stay at strange and foreign places.

This is something I would not do unless I absolutely HAD to in real life. Sometimes I'm even a little freaked out by going to the grocery store alone, let alone 3000 mile solo car ride.

I was freed from fear at a recent prayer/praise/worship service in Ocean Grove. It was amazing. I know God's Holy Spirit is seriously at work in me. Like He's excavating with a big old spiritual backhoe.

Since the late winter/early spring I have been seeking His face like never before. I grew tired of my heart/mind/soul condition and cried out to Him for help. Help in prayer and help in His word. Nothing in my life was cutting it. Nothing. Not work, not church, not friends, not family. I was at a crossroads and I turned towards Jesus. I have been avoiding the valley, skirting around it's perimeter for a LONG time. I agreed to go through it. I have never felt to pressed, so tired, so worn, so desperate. I have had numerous sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, phobias. The warfare has been intense. And when the warfare comes, I cling. I cling. I cling. I cling. This is what has gotten me through the darkest parts. I have often felt like giving up, but something in me keeps pushing me to keep going, keep fighting, keep praying.

I have considered numerous times to turn to psychology, psychiatry, to medication, to therapy. I don't discredit its value.. however, my heart and spirit are continually persisting and urging me to keep going. Every time I try to contact any mental health clinician, there are ALWAYS roadblocks. Not that I think I'm above it or that I can do this all by myself, but that I need to start turning to Jesus Christ before others. That's just the season I'm in.

It has been one of the most difficult roads I've ever been on. I know that He has given me the option to turn to Him or turn to the world. I have chosen Him. In turn, countless answered prayers and miracles have happened.

Suffice to say, I feel the dream was just a small glimpse into a world that is not controlled by fear.