Advice and Guilty Thereof

I haven't been through a tough time like this in about five years.  That's when my mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and died about four months later.  My father had passed the summer before, also from cancer. 

My health is now threatened by a pretty excessive amount of scar tissue from a condition called endometriosis.  Some women have small cysts.. I happen to have large ones, in fact some of my organs are (without going into detail) sort of stuck to each other down there.. and I'm having major surgery in a few weeks.  I had an operation about a month ago that I thought was going to fix everything and I was going to be just fine.

Nope.  This coming surgery will require a six week recovery.  This will be my fourth.  

So.  Suffice to say, this has been an intensely dark time.  Many of my nights are spent alone, watching the ceiling, unable to sleep.  Praying to God to help me sleep so that I can go to work tomorrow and not feel like a bundle of nerves.  I am usually not getting that sleep, so when I do rise in the morning, I'm even more stressed out that I can't sleep..  and thus begins my day at work.. at a job that is also highly stressful.  

I'm just plainly going through a really grueling time.  I am talking to people all the time, sharing my thoughts, fears, struggles.. etc.  And I'd say about 85% to 90% of the feedback I receive is in the form of 'advice', about how I should pray, that I should talk to a professional counselor, that maybe I should take some medication during this season, that I should do this, or I should do that..  and honestly, it makes my head spin, causes me WAY more anxiety than I am already experiencing, and makes me want to talk less to people.. for fear of the 'deer in the headlights' reaction.  I'm afraid to say to people 'hey, can I just talk here, and can you just listen?"  Partly because I'm a people pleaser, but also because I want to honor them and the time they're taking out to 'help'.  But, it isn't helping.   Sometimes a girl just needs to vent, to talk about it, and to know that her words and her heart are safe without fearing a wave of information coming at you and you need to pay attention after your emotional outburst even though you just can't take anymore information in.  All you really need...... is to just let it out.

I have been feeling unsafe with sharing lately.  It kind of bums me out and causes me to feel alienated from people for fear they start mentally looking for their 'toolkit' as I speak.  On the flipside, it has taught me a few humbling lessons.

One is.. that I am so very guilty of this.  I am so totally guilty of giving advice.  Of thinking that I know it all, that in all my 34 years of experience I can totally fix your circumstance and if you just listen to what I say then you'll be fine.  I sorrowfully regret this and am so grateful that the Lord has shown me this.  

I also learned this important lesson when my mother was sick.  EVERYONE had advice. Few just sat and listened and loved.  It reminds me of Job's peanut gallery.  They all had something to say didn't they?  They tried to figure it out and tried to fix it, only to leave Job feeling less comforted and worse.

I'm grateful for this lesson, I'm grateful that I do have a few close friends who don't try to 'fix it'. 

I'm grateful God is in this.  Even though, feeling exhausted, worn-out, stressed, anxious and even sad.. He is in the midst of this.