Eleven days left.

I have to say, I believe this six week sabbatical was most certainly on God's calendar.. before time even began. Can you imagine? That God knew.. before the planets and stars were made, that me.. little old me.. would need six weeks off from work.. for more reasons that just for surgery? I believe it. Do you believe He does these things for you?

The reasons I believe it, is because had I not had this time off to putter around, do laundry, run lazy errands, make soup, take a shower when I feel like it, to see friends in the early afternoon.. I would have worked myself into an absolute nervous breakdown.

Though, I still believe I had a moderate breakdown in the spring.. I kept holding on to the six weeks I knew was coming up.

I'd forgotten about how one's job should not overtake you. I'd forgotten about grace. I'd forgotten about leisurely driving to the beach.. listening to old standards, watching independent films, cooking, baking.. LIVING. I became all too consumed in WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING, WORKING, SERVING, SLEEPING.. that there was little time left for anything else. And if I did have a free afternoon, I was too overwrought with guilt for NOT being busy doing something.. that I couldn't sit still.

I lived comparatively, you see. I watched others living their lives, seeing how they operated.. and tried to do what they did. Friends who had full time jobs, numerous kids, spouses, chores at home.. who maybe had five minutes to themselves in a day.. and I figured.. I've got all this free time because I'm single, I ought to at least do as much as them.. if not more. I tried to force myself into a mold that I don't believe God ever intended for me to fit into. I had refused my mold, as if it wasn't good enough, that my leisurely Saturday afternoons should have tons of activities because everyone ELSE was busy doing their thing, with their families.. and that those afternoons are just fine.. as they are.

But that's not me.. nor has it ever been. I've never been a task-master, chore-tackler, worker-bee, list-maker, organizer etc.. It's just not how I'm wired. I tend to do laundry when I feel like it, and when I do wash clothes.. I take joy in it. I do dishes when I feel like, and when I do wash them.. I put some music on, light candles.. make a cup of tea.. and also take joy in it. I refuse to perform a chore when it's not in my heart.. because doing something that's joyless, seems utterly horrible. I'd rather my house fall apart and look a mess than constantly wrestle with a mountain that will never be tamed anyway.

I suppose some of my friends with kids don't have this choice, and if you don't have the choice.. (I hope, that if you presently don't.. that you would find a way to take joy in your daily routines, that you would make a thing of it and spoil yourself a little by rewarding yourself after you have completed a task....) But I on the other hand, do have this choice. It's not that I'm lazy, but if there's no meaning to it, if I can't make an artform of washing dishes, dusting, mopping.. I'd rather just leave it for another day.

Joyless tasks can suck the life out of you. There is a way to add joy to your day. I'm so grateful that I've been given this space and time to 'Return to my Home', which is a phrase I remember the Lord put on my heart back in June.. to return to my first love, and this is my first passion... MY HOME.

Well..

I haven't posted anything lately because I haven't had anything exciting or totally spectacularly amazing to write about. Though, there's always the day to day. Which is okay too.

I like okay.

I've been home for a week and a half. At first it was really hard, I felt really down and heavy hearted. I started to journal. I started to write about what was making me sad, what was really going on inside. And it was freeing to vent, to vent to myself, to God.. just to let it out.

Sometimes it's terrifying to admit where your heart is. Because you perhaps don't want to offend God, or it's 'not the right attitude'.. but I've found the more I level with God, the more honest I am.. regardless if it's a bratty tantrum, or a refusal to unfold my arms and ask Him to forgive me even though I just can't let go. It's pretty cool, because I think He's pretty cool. I find He's way more mellow and cool than I am in all my anxiety and stress. He's a constant, while I am utterly inconsistent.

This past season.. well, all of 2009 thus far has been an incredibly difficult, scary, dark, sad time. I clung to what I know is the best thing to hold on to. I was vigilant to do everything any anything I could to hear from God. I prayed, I read, I listened, I worshipped.. and I didn't really ever hear anything. But what I did perceive was His movement. Answered prayer after answered prayer.. many of them answered in the physical. It was day to day.. sometimes hour to hour.

This week has been relatively light and easy. I haven't felt so utterly despondent and worried. I've felt okay for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing right. I don't feel super great. I feel, just okay. This is so wonderful to feel just okay. I feel like this is how the other half live. It's incredible to be able to drive to the beach and not feel this incredible deep ache for something, for anything. Maybe it's because I prayed hard the other day and cried out to the Lord and said 'Can it just be easy for a little while?' and 'I'm so unhappy'.

I feel like I've been given the thumbs up to just live. And not in the trenches of war, but to actually operate in life on a normal healthy basis. People can say there's no such thing as 'normal', but I think there is my 'normal'. And I feel like I'm coming back to it every day.

Operating in crisis mode for 6 months straight wore me down to nothing. He's building me back up. It's awesome.

Yay for normal!!

Go.

Had a very good and motivating conversation with a friend on the beach today.  

"Move out of the shell, free yourself from the safety of coddling arms, you are equipped to do this, you can do this."

I have been thinking a lot about this.  A lot about my place in life..  same house, same job, same church for a while now..  settling in..  thinking..  this is it.   Wait, this is it?  If this is it, then I hate this.  Who said I had to stay here?  Who told me that if I am settling in like a barnacle on a rock that this is what life is all about?  And why have I listened?  Are they barnacles that just want company?  Wherever I got this idea from..  I know it wasn't from God, I have heard grains of truth today that made me feel really uncomfortable and yet excited...  

I have put many elaborate and embroidered limitations on this God I choose to follow..  or this God who has chosen to pursue me and call me His own.  He's so sweet like that.  

I have all of these ideas and dreams that just remain vaulted in the sky..  and I haven't moved out in faith towards any of them.  This has surely limited God, this has surely limited me.

Well, I've got some time left, a really sweet tan..  and many ideas to put down on paper.. and then move on them and will seek His guidance throughout..  I told the Lord today.. "Well, okay. Push my boat off shore, you've given me everything I need to sail."

Remember, don't hang up, just talk about it...

The more I talk about it.. the more I vent, the more I examine.. the better I feel.

I'm grateful for the people in my life who have been the softest, safest and most amazing pillows who not only give my heart and my spirit a safe harbor.. but then cheer me on and tell me that I can do it, that God is with me... I have my very own cheerleading team.

Who gets this in life? Who is blessed with such abundance? I'm utterly humbled by the Aarons and the Hurs who have walked with me, holding my arms up. As if these arms could ever be like Moses' arms.. but still. The Lord has surrounded me, hemmed me in with warriors.

I've had numerous eleventh hour rescues, over and over.. Just when I think I can't take it anymore.. here comes someone to visit and listen.. or there's the phone call just when I needed it or there's the message or comment on facebook that gets me through the afternoon. I'm astounded and how closely He is monitoring me and my needs. He is like my life support.. no, He is my life support. Jesus is my life support.

I've been given six weeks of recovery and have landed on Lake Mohawk in Sparta, NJ. I have begun to decompress and relax and it is just delicious. The family that has given me stay has abundantly filled my belly and my soul with good food and good care. They are absolute blessings and treasures. Don't tell them, but I believe the crowns that await them in heaven are going to be pretty amazing.. but if they knew it they'd probably be embarrassed. So again, keep it quiet.

I've got 32 more days of this rest.. and I already feel physically so well. I'm also in need of life respite. God totally knew what I needed, so far ahead of time that I could not have planned it out myself. I would have just kept working, and working, and working.

How am I this loved? How am I so well taken care of? It blows my mind, I don't get it. But I love it and can't get enough and want more and more of this love.

Adirondack Chair Revelation

Okay, so I'm reading Psalms this morning whilst on the dock, out on the water, sitting in an adirondack chair in the blazing sun (which has been quite coy this past week). I'm watching boats race, duck mothers and her ducklings swimming by, Cormorants diving for fish, and the Sparta waterski team preparing for their annual 4th of July water skiing performance to the tune of 'The Final Countdown' by Europe. This should get anybody pumped for fireworks.

So I'm sitting reading the words of our great King David... and I've got nothing. Zilch. Nada. None. So I read one of the special excerpts about some kind of trial or emotional experience.. and I looked into one of the scriptures that related to depression. So I decided to open up the book of Samuel. 1 Samuel 16. I really had no idea what this passage was going to say to me, what the Lord had in store for me to find. This is the passage that hit home. Many of you reading this may be skeptic, may think.. 'yeah, but it's Old Testament, we're under the new covenant now'. I'm just going to put this out there... I believe the ENTIRE word of God is relevant. Even though some of the laws in Leviticus are no longer necessary.. whatev. I'm no theologian.. and I'm glad for that. I just believe in Jesus and his Word. Enough said.

So I read this particular passage:

A Distressing Spirit Troubles Saul
14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and a distressing spirit from the LORD troubled him. 15 And Saul’s servants said to him, “Surely, a distressing spirit from God is troubling you. 16 Let our master now command your servants, who are before you, to seek out a man who is a skillful player on the harp. And it shall be that he will play it with his hand when the distressing spirit from God is upon you, and you shall be well.” 17 So Saul said to his servants, “Provide me now a man who can play well, and bring him to me.” 18 Then one of the servants answered and said, “Look, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a mighty man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a handsome person; and the LORD is with him.” 19 Therefore Saul sent messengers to Jesse, and said, “Send me your son David, who is with the sheep.” 20 And Jesse took a donkey loaded with bread, a skin of wine, and a young goat, and sent them by his son David to Saul. 21 So David came to Saul and stood before him. And he loved him greatly, and he became his armorbearer. 22 Then Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Please let David stand before me, for he has found favor in my sight.” 23 And so it was, whenever the spirit from God was upon Saul, that David would take a harp and play it with his hand. Then Saul would become refreshed and well, and the distressing spirit would depart from him.

The little reference at the bottom of the page mentioned that the Lord uses even distressing spirits to provoke us to come back to Him and lean on Him. Wow. This was such an amazing relief. That could my current distress and hardships and troubles really be right under the Lord's authority? Ha! It's hilarious to think, that I have been under the impression that God has no idea what's going on down here and that I'm barely coming up for air in this trial.

It was so truly peacegiving for me to realize, He's aware of it all, He's using whatever I'm going through to HELP me to rely fully on Him. (It may sound totally trivial and simple, but when you become aware of it, it's like a ton of bricks are lifted off and you want to tell the whole world cause God just showed something that changed your heart)

I then changed position, lied down on the deck with the sun in my face and said "Whatever you want Lord, You've got me, have Your way". And really, that's all I had to say. I believe that was enough, and that all He wanted to do was get through to me and say "Babe, I've got it" and for me to say, 'Yes, I know and I'm resting in it'.

Hallelujia, babe, He's got it.

Recover

So here I sit in Sparta. Staying with family who have graciously offered to put me up for my recovery. It's been three days since my surgery. The emotional high has worn off and I'm no longer surviving off pure adrenaline.

So now is the let-down. Now is the time where I really need people to be around, where I need to be encouraged and I need to be reminded that there is hope out there. It's just been so hard to muster it up on my own.

I read this morning in Exodus. Exodus 17:10
10 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

This spoke so clearly to me, that I can't do it on my own all the time.. that my arms will get tired. But it is so contrary to who I am now to have people be the lifter of my arms when I can no longer hold them up. I am so used to being independent. I am so utterly always in need of control. This is the season where I need to give up the control and let God take over.. and let Him take over through others as well.

Please pray for me.. as I am feeling vulnerable and weak. I need strength more than ever.

The rain in Spain... stays mainly on the plain

I went to a really great worship service last night.  A flame was reignited for a passion I've always had.  To pray for people!  It was exciting.  What better way to take your eyes off yourself and directly on to others and the Lord.  It was refreshing.  

Afterwards a handful of us went out for ice cream.  I didn't specify that I wanted soft-serve vanilla, and so I got hard ice cream.  Blech.  Never again.  That was too much vanilla for anyone and it was a small cone.

But after that, I went to my friend Gary and Allison's house for some tea and giggling.  They're so fun.  I love spending time with them.  I'm thankful to God for their friendship!

This morning I woke up, prayed a little, read a proverb and took the dog out.  I needed to run to the pharmacy and drop off a script for medication.  I dropped it off and then went to a local Christian bookstore where my friend Joe and Margie have set up a coffee bar.  It was so nice!  I then had a wonderful conversation  with a woman named Sue who I met last night at said church service.  We instantly connected!  We laughed and cried and prayed.  It was so encouraging!  She invited me to her church in Ocean Grove.  I think I'll go and visit.  They meet on the boardwalk in the summer.  How nice.

I bought a hymnal.  Sometimes just reading the words of those songs brings peace.  Right?

Then I went back to Walgreen's to pick up my medication.  Bought some sweet pink and coral nail polishes, pencils, a sudoku book, lip gloss (an essential everyday item in a girl's life) and some hair accessories.  A bit of a splurge, but I just figured, hey.. if I'm gonna feel like crap soon..  I may as well look good!  Pink shimmery lip gloss in the summer is a must have.

I am also on the lookout for a big brimmed hat to wear when I sunbathe this summer during recovery.  That and some big old sunglasses.  I am at least going to have a glamorous time while I'm able.  This is important.  Too bad I can't wear jewelry during surgery.  I mean, would a pearl necklace REALLY get in the way?  They're not even going to be near my neck. I don't understand.  Well, I guess they have their reasons.

Sunday June 21- Tomorrow is the day that I am going to drink a gallon of what will probably taste something like ocean water and nail polish remover.  I'm not looking forward to this at all.  However, I will be able to stay home and tend to nesting and cleaning up and watching movies on hulu.  My big brother bought me a new computer!  This is so fun. 

Monday June 22- This is the day I arise early and go for a colonoscopy.  I have said it before.  I am too pretty to have one of these.  Enough said.

Tuesday June 23 - I am not sure what time the surgery will be.  I think it's going to start around 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  I am not really scared.  My cousins Tom and Jamie will come down on Monday night and will be with me the whole time.  This part is fun because they are both very funny, and when we three are together we laugh a lot.  So I'm blessed to have them as family and look forward to funny/awkward memories that will come of this.  I am also a little queasy about the idea of taking pain medication.  I don't like how it makes me feel at all.  So if you are lead to pray for me, please pray that I wouldn't need to take too much.  I'm praying for a quick recovery and that I would feel so good so soon...  not jumping jacks good, but good enough that I'm not puking my guts out.  That's gross, but whatever.

I'll write more when I can.