Gospel Music

This week I have indulged in Pandora. The website where you can create your very own playlist according to your favorite artists.

I was listening to some Christian artists here and there, but nothing was cutting it. I sometimes just don't know what the heck they are singing about. My current struggle sometimes feels like it runs so deep and so dark. This is when I created a 'Kirk Franklin' playlist.

Well, I am now grateful for artists like Yolanda Adams, Mary Mary, Donnie McClurkin, Fred Hammond, Hezekiah Walker and the Tri-City Singers. Oh my goodness, if there is encouragement out there, music that tells the truth, that lifts you up and reminds you of all of God's promises and how strong He really is.. and focuses on Him.. not me.. this is the place. For me anyway.

Not that I mind the poetic and contemplative music from the likes of Sara Groves, Ginny Owens and Rich Mullins. I like these artists. Their music has certainly helped me through some tough times. But somehow I seem to focus on myself when I listen. This may be just my experience.

I love Black American Gospel music. In this dark valley, in this place that seems hopeless, this true, delivered and authentic group of artists who have first hand seen the Hand of God in their lives and the way they sing about it, with joy, with excitement, with happiness and with expectation has lifted me up daily.

I have to put it on in my car and have it playing when I get home. (If I'm not being reminded, and when I'm alone it's hard to remind myself all the time).. I'm so grateful that I have this amazing resource of comfort that will keep my mind focused on Jesus, His ability and that I'm going to be alright.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the technology in this day and age.

Surgery Date and the emotional process of it all

I have a surgery coming up. It's on Tuesday June 23rd. It's major surgery.

I don't think I'm able to comprehend or process the fact that it is a pretty big ordeal. The whole process begins on Sunday the 21st. Father's Day. I'll be spending that day drinking a solution for a colonoscopy that I need to have done the next day, Monday the 22nd. Usually colonoscopies are a big deal onto themselves, but that's the least of my worries. The big deal is Tuesday the 23rd. I just need to get past everything. I just need to get past the 23rd.

In my mind and heart, I wait for the moment when I wake up after surgery and even though I will probably feel like absolute crap, I'll be covered with warm blankets, I'll be taken to a room with hopefully a nice view, hopefully I'll have my own room and will have some friends and family near me to hold my hand and comfort me if the need arises should I cry for my mom. Which, during this difficult season, I have been doing so much of. This experience has given me such a beautiful and painful reminder of how much I desperately miss my mom and dad. I have been treasuring my memories of them, spending time with them, wishing and aching for their presence.. even though they had their own battles and serious struggles, they were so beautiful to me.

I am truly grateful I got to spend the time with them that I did.

Here are some memories I've been recalling:

Grilled steaks, baked potatoes, green salad and red wine dinners out on the deck in the summer.

Rides to Sandy Hook with my dad, just because.

Long adventure drives with my mom to find the broken down foreclosed property that never turned into the dreamhouse she wanted. With or without a map.. we usually found our way back due to our amazing sense of direction.

Refinishing old furniture with my dad.

Trips into NYC with my dad to go to work with him to recording studios.

Ordering either Chinese takeout or Italian from local places in Highlands on Friday nights.


One thing I know. I'll have the Lord. I'll also have His love with me, in my heart, surrounding me. As I do right now. A love and comfort that exceeds and outdoes any love that we receive here on earth.

ABC 123

This morning I awoke after a really great night of sleep without any medication. I am so very happy about this!

Around 7:00am I sat in bed with my little dog at my side snoozing away happily, I started to pray. Many times, when I start to pray I get intimidated. I think sometimes that I have no idea what to pray for, how to pray, and that my prayers are not effective. Well, we all know who is lying to me.. but to get over this hump and refute the lie is up to me with God's help.

So as I started to pray, I had a little vision. A vision of a chalkboard with 'ABC 123' written on it. I immediately started praying a prayer like a child. Like I was in kindergarten. Asking for things like "Please let my day go good" and "please help me be nice to the people I don't like" and "help me to get my work done" and then I started thanking Him for the simple things like, "thanks for letting me spend a good time with my friends last night and please bless them" and "thanks that I woke up today". Then I said "I'm sorry that I'm a jerk" and with all the trust and faith I could muster "Here is this heart, please make it soft and not hard like a rock".

God winks?

After church I walked with a friend and her daughter down to Marine Park in Red Bank for Jazzfest.  Since I've been dealing with lots of stress lately, I knew I should prepare myself that I could feel anxious and possibly agoraphobic amongst many people.  I also prepared my friend of the potential for an anxiety attack, and if it happens then I'll probably make a B-Line for home. As soon as I said that, the tension deflated.  Funny, how when we put it into words it seems to help?  Ah, as if the whole 'if you talk about it you'll feel better' school of thought was wrong?  Hmph.  My bad.

Anyway, as we started walking into town and before I mentioned this possibility to my friend..  I saw and heard many little cues that I know were the Lord, and we not coincidental.

As we passed by Murphy's Grill I heard Bruce Springsteen's voice singing "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright"  which gave me a little chuckle.

I needed to get some cash and walked into Brannigan's.. a local bar that I spent way too much money and time in during my 20's..  as I got my $20 bill, as I was exiting I saw someone on one of the big TV's who was singing and the caption at the bottom said "ROCK OF AGES"..   also, another little chuckle.

I walked across the street to my friend who was waiting for me and immediately spotted a White Rose Tea truck. On the side of it, it says "You deserve the best"..  (a friend of my mom's told me about this truck that she would see, and always knew it was a message from the Lord)

As we entered the park this is when I mentioned I may need to make an exit if I feel overwhelmed.   We got our food and then started to walk down a path and the band on the main stage was playing 'Summertime'.. you know that song..  'Summertime... and the living is easy'.. well, it wasn't those words that spoke to me..   She starting singing "No harm will come to you"... yet, another little laugh.. 

People may use the term 'God Winks' loosely..  and I know when He is clearly moving in my life.  But this afternoon was a little too obvious of His love for me.. and His love for us.

Enjoy your day.

Well...

I'm not one to put really personal feelings out there for the world to read.  I do believe one has to be careful with what they share so as not to offend, hurt feelings or alienate anyone.

My post yesterday I believe is a combination result of my own inability to speak up.  I also believe much of my venting and frustration has a lot to do with lack of sleep.. an eight hour luxury that I have yet to enjoy in over a month.  I'm cranky and feeling overwhelmed.

So I will leave the post up.  But want to acknowledge that things can get messy, emotions can flare, and I too am guilty of getting frustrated with generally sweet and helpful folks who just mean well, and my lack of honesty causes me the grief too.  I just don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.  If I'm coming to someone to talk, I hope I can muster up the courage to ask them if they can just listen..  and if I'm going to someone for advice, then I should certainly honor them and their time and wisdom.

Peaceout.

We're all on this journey.  We're all trying to figure this out.  With God's help and guidance, we'll get there.

Advice and Guilty Thereof

I haven't been through a tough time like this in about five years.  That's when my mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and died about four months later.  My father had passed the summer before, also from cancer. 

My health is now threatened by a pretty excessive amount of scar tissue from a condition called endometriosis.  Some women have small cysts.. I happen to have large ones, in fact some of my organs are (without going into detail) sort of stuck to each other down there.. and I'm having major surgery in a few weeks.  I had an operation about a month ago that I thought was going to fix everything and I was going to be just fine.

Nope.  This coming surgery will require a six week recovery.  This will be my fourth.  

So.  Suffice to say, this has been an intensely dark time.  Many of my nights are spent alone, watching the ceiling, unable to sleep.  Praying to God to help me sleep so that I can go to work tomorrow and not feel like a bundle of nerves.  I am usually not getting that sleep, so when I do rise in the morning, I'm even more stressed out that I can't sleep..  and thus begins my day at work.. at a job that is also highly stressful.  

I'm just plainly going through a really grueling time.  I am talking to people all the time, sharing my thoughts, fears, struggles.. etc.  And I'd say about 85% to 90% of the feedback I receive is in the form of 'advice', about how I should pray, that I should talk to a professional counselor, that maybe I should take some medication during this season, that I should do this, or I should do that..  and honestly, it makes my head spin, causes me WAY more anxiety than I am already experiencing, and makes me want to talk less to people.. for fear of the 'deer in the headlights' reaction.  I'm afraid to say to people 'hey, can I just talk here, and can you just listen?"  Partly because I'm a people pleaser, but also because I want to honor them and the time they're taking out to 'help'.  But, it isn't helping.   Sometimes a girl just needs to vent, to talk about it, and to know that her words and her heart are safe without fearing a wave of information coming at you and you need to pay attention after your emotional outburst even though you just can't take anymore information in.  All you really need...... is to just let it out.

I have been feeling unsafe with sharing lately.  It kind of bums me out and causes me to feel alienated from people for fear they start mentally looking for their 'toolkit' as I speak.  On the flipside, it has taught me a few humbling lessons.

One is.. that I am so very guilty of this.  I am so totally guilty of giving advice.  Of thinking that I know it all, that in all my 34 years of experience I can totally fix your circumstance and if you just listen to what I say then you'll be fine.  I sorrowfully regret this and am so grateful that the Lord has shown me this.  

I also learned this important lesson when my mother was sick.  EVERYONE had advice. Few just sat and listened and loved.  It reminds me of Job's peanut gallery.  They all had something to say didn't they?  They tried to figure it out and tried to fix it, only to leave Job feeling less comforted and worse.

I'm grateful for this lesson, I'm grateful that I do have a few close friends who don't try to 'fix it'. 

I'm grateful God is in this.  Even though, feeling exhausted, worn-out, stressed, anxious and even sad.. He is in the midst of this. 

Weary

Oh, it's been a weary month.. it's been a weary year.

I keep knocking on God's door, trying to battleaxe my way through this walk of faith..

I need to remember it is a marathon. Not a sprint.

So I keep spinning and spinning like a whirling dervish.. trying to hear God's voice so desperately... clinging to what I know He's done in the past.. and I can see His movement in my life. Bigtime. I can see His movement.. I just can't hear Him. It's such a strange experience.

I'm so full of anxiety, I'm overwhelmed by the status of my health, my current status as single , work related stresssssss... So much so, that I can't sleep, I can barely eat, I can't seem to see the light from the bottom of this dark valley.. yet I know, because I accepted Jesus as my savior.. and regardless of how abandoned I am for Him in my heart.. that He makes promises to his people, and to orphans.. I am an orphan. Both parents gone, my only sibling is off traveling the world and married..

So, His movement in my life does have to do with how much He loves me, but I've been thinking lately, His care for me in my life has more to do with who He is, who He says He is.. and His promises to us.. and that He is a constant.. always moving, always providing, always longsuffering with us as we try to figure this out. I feel like I'm in a bubble, and that God's hand is carrying me, His daughter in that little bubble. Sometimes it gets bumped, sometimes there are cracks, sometimes it gets dry, sometimes it gets dark.. but I am surely carried by something Greater than I realize or could even humanly comprehend.

I pray that I come out of this valley more abandoned to the safe and big arms of Jesus Christ. I've been so cautious about this abandon for so long.