give it up

So, I was sitting at work today and I was thinking..  something that I do quite incessantly and a little too much of for my own health...  so I was thinking, I'm sick of myself.  Meaning, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I'm tired of feeling so 'woe is me' and 'everything is so hard all the time'... because really, life is going to happen..  and it's up to me if I'm going to have the right attitude or the wrong attitude...  I am determined to have the right attitude.  

I prayed to the Lord today as I looked up at the drop ceiling at my job and said 'I don't want to feel like this anymore'..  

I've grown sick of everything.  That certainly can't mean that everything in my life has gone 'bad' or that it's all pretty lame.  No, that must mean that my heart has changed.  My heart has grown bitter and cold.  And I'm just plain tired of it.  I told the Lord, make me of use to you and to others.  Help me to forget about myself.  

Surgery outcome and prognosis will be its own according to trust in God and prayers from myself, friends and family.  So if it's going to be what it's going to be, then don't I have a choice in how I choose to proceed with my attitude? 

I think my attitude has been pretty crappy lately.  I am tired of feeling this way.  It's poisonous and I want out..  and that way, is Jesus and His help.

I read in Psalm 3 today where David's enemies claimed that there is no help for him in God.  I can say the same thing about the lies the enemy has whispered in my ear, that God can't help me..  that no one can help me.  I started to believe those lies and fell headlong into despair and darkness.

I think that's all changing.  I am crying out to Jesus, however little amount of faith I have.  I am asking Him for His help, His mercy and His heart in mine.  

The more time we spend with Him, the more time we look at Him and others..  This I believe.